Hosty
| Tales from the Road 2007-2008 |
Two Year Sitter 03-13-2008 There has to be a joke in here somewhere. Lets see.......Brings light to the phrase, "Shit or get off the pot." This lady chose to shit and continue to shit never intending to get off the pot. Maybe authorities will hopefully make it so she or someone who is afraid to leave the bathroom never has to go in the room again with an ample supply of Depends.
I go to the ACE hardwares store alot. And Lowes. And Home Depot. i even bought a shed to put all the stuff I have accumulated over the years from these home repair box stores. Today I realized the plot. The Conspiracy......As I went into my shed to get a tool to fix a lock on a door I had what Big Jack would call an epiphany..Everyone will eventually have thier own personal Home Depot....And the worst thing is af all the things you buy there is no combination of items that you can, in the future, put together to complete your project. You must go back to the mother ship aka Lowes, Home Dopet or ACE to get even more.........George Carlin was right!
The Bodies Exhibit Up at the Omniplex, which recently changed its name to the Oklahoma Museum of Science and History, but will always be the Omniplex to me, hosted a Human Body Exhibit. Just like the Redhawks baseball team will always be the 89ers to me. And you remember the 89ers played baseball in All Sports stadium, which was a stadium only used for baseball. Anyway, back to the exhibit. Perhaps you have seen the exhibit, where bodies unclaimed from China were stripped of their skin, bones and muscles and posed in stances to demonstrate the different functions of the human body. There was one guy who was holding his skin on a hanger, another had his muscles flailed out like a cricket unfolding its wings. These are all real bodies, embalmed somehow so they had no stench, like you would expect from an embalmed body like say at a funeral home. There were also organs on display and each section was a different function of the human body. They even had a body that was cut into slices or sections to demonstrate an MRI. The body was placed out on display and was stretched out about 20 feet almost like snack tray. Anyway, it was interesting and creepy all at the same time.I wondered if anybody recognized any of the bodies that were on display. "No Uncle Lou….NoNoNoNo!!!". I also wondered that at night, when they turn out the lights at the Omniplex, that the bodies……….disco dance. Turn on the disco ball, turn up the Gloria Gaynor…..
Who was St. Valentine? Legend has it that Valentine was a priest during the third century in Rome. Emperor Claudius decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he banned marriage for young men thus insuring his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice, disobeyed Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine was found out, Claudius ordered that he be killed. Another legend has it, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. From prison, Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him in jail. Before his death, he wrote her a letter, signed 'From your Valentine". So in Conclusion, basically, St. Valentine was a felon and corresponded with a prison employee's daughter. So, besides inventing the first "Valentine" he should also be credited with the worlds first conjugal visit.
I have a motto, which according to Chuck Norris said "Every man needs a motto" which is from the less than hit movie "Lone Wolf McQuade" . Lone Wolf McQUade was a precursor to the Walker Texas Ranger and I recommend watching it as the evil killer in the movie went on to replay his role as a crazy killer in "Cobra".Oh yeah, my motto, thats another story. Anyway, I read in the USA Today Coloring book that in Nebraska, there are plans for a fellow to open up a juice bar....a topless juice bar. There is already one in Omaha and this guy wants to open one up in Lincoln, NE. I think I had been to the original topless juice bar back in 1993 at a Grateful Dead Show in Las Vegas. I was in the parking lot of that show picking up trash with some guy I had met in a VW van. Somehow, I was convinced to pick up trash in bare feet on a black top in Nevada. How did I keep from feeling the pain of the heat of the black top in Nevada? The answer is " I was at a Grateful Dead show in the parking lot. What happens in the parking lot is more than likely forgotten in the parking lot. Anyway, I recall getting a primative smoothie of sorts from a gal hocking her wares from the back of a Chevy Hatchback. All I can remember is that it was cold and that she was tripping so hard she had taken off her top and was trying to explain something about wearing a bra. I was in no mood to read lips as I drank my concoction which I was sure was really a Sammy Smith. On the way back to the hotel, I recalled the headliner that was appearing that night..Byron Allen and how I had obsessed all day on that fact that if I saw him I was going to tell him he was not funny. I went to my room and paced around for a while. For some odd reason I could not sit still. hmmmm. So, I got on the elevator to go from my room to the lobby when the elevator stopped and the doors opened. Getting on the elevator was noe other than Byron Allen. My first thought was, "here is your chance." I tried to work up the nerve but then thought how funny it was that here was my opportunity and I started laughing. I laughed so hard I fell in the corner of the elevator as Byron Allen and I descended to the lobby. I tried to get it together and tell him but I just couldn't and my feet really started hurting to as I noticed for the first time I had no shoes on.
The Great Ice Storm of 2008 Also, I read in the USA TODAY that in Iowa Hormel is building a new plant to make Microwave dinners. I was thinking that if the construction is on high, then the factory will be done in al least five minutes.(Insert Rimshot.) Also, in Oklahoma City, the OKC Police accidents are down after changing up their pursuit policies. The major change is taking the bongos, wah wah pedal and flute out of all chase music and instead inserting a Tuba. Who an get hurt with a Tuba playing a chase song? Bur bur bur burrrrrr bur bur bur is much safer than waka waka waka waka do doo do do do waka waka any day of the week.
The Phone is Dead 01-30-2008 The other night I heard a beep. Just one beep then silence and another beep. I could not figure out where the hell it was coming from and then I focused in on the phone. The cordless phone as I still am not a part of the cellphone generation and have the old land line. This is the future in action when robots will end up doing everything. The phone is the first in the line of technological developments. The phone has been programmed to tell the owner when it needs to be recharged or "fed." My microwave beeps when its ready, my fridge lights up when you open the door, and my dad's olld car used to say "Door is Ajar." Now, I don't think cars say anything. They just beep. But the Beep is the first form of communication. I think a caveman before he uttered the pahrase "ugh", Must have said "Beep." After putting the phone up I had to feed the cat. So I cracked open a can of Sophisticat. I thought about the name and the marketers who came up with it. They come up with market research to come up with the name. They want folks to say, "Hey my cat is sophisticated. I will buy a 35 cent can of discarded fish parts and rejected hot dog components." I don't even know what flavor it was and that leads me to think how do you know it is the flavor they say it is without being able to taste it.? Do you take it on faith? The cat food usually smells so incredibly bad it is all I can do to put it in the bowl before I do what a Sea cucumber does when faced with danger. You really do just have to take it for what it says, Fresh Salmon dinner" or "Turkey and Giblets" which giblets are a perfect meal for a cat it seems as there are a variety of Giblets in titles of cat food. Also, the cat food all looks exactly the same and in the same shape of the can kind of like a processed meat version of the cranberry sause mom used to serve on the holidays. I wonder if the cat ever thinks before he is about to eat it ,"What the hell is this? It's the same shape as yesterday…Oh what the hell I'll eat it. Yum Giblets…again……great…….fantastic." Fluffy 01-29-2008 A guy in Oklahoma has a pet snake that he recently sold to an Ohio Zoo. He had loaned the snake to the zoo and it was such a popular attraction the zoo wanted to buy it. The zoo offered him $35,000 for the snake and he was reluctant to sell but he took the money. So here are the questions and the joke: Now, where the hell do you keep a 35 foot snake? And what do you feed a 35 foot snake? How long did it take to grow 35 feet? I kind of imagine that the owner was ordering pizzas and feeding the pizza and the delivery guy to the snake. The scene would have gone like this: Actually the OSBI and FBI may want to run the plates of all the cars in the front yard of anyone with a 30 foot plus snake and they may solve some Cold Cases. I would guess he also had a lot of people come over to give estimates on home repair, pipes, sprinkler systems and anything he could think of. "Yes, can you go in the back room and talk to my…….associate. He is eager to meet you." And the guy giving the estimate would walk in the back room and be eaten. But if you were feeding the 35 foot snake regular snake food, you would have to feed it goats, small horses, neighborhood dogs and maybe even little people. And as we all know that pythons like to hunt their food, then surround it and slam it into something in order to cram it in their mouth. So , whatever room the 35 foot snake was in was probably torn to hell. Which leads us to the final question. Where does somebody live with a 35 foot snake?
The Deputy of North Dakota 01-21-2008 The only part of the USA Today I read is the Across the Nation section, mainly because you can find out what is happening in all fifty states in less than a few minutes of reading. I say that with a healthy dose of sarcasm. Here is one I read last week in the January 19th edition. A Deputy in North Dakota fired his handgun in a bathroom, on accident. According to the city in which it occurred, “discharge of a weapon within the city limits is not a crime without some element of intent.” So there is some real news indeed, a deputy ‘s gun goes off in a restroom. Below are a few comments that I would like to make on why this happened. 1.He didn’t mean for the gun to go off….He was just “polishing” it. 2. The terd in the bowl tried to attack! 3. He was trying to shoot the lock off the stall to escape the smell before it got on his teeth. 4. He was really trying to mask the smell as the restroom was out of FeeBreeze 5. He said he was going to tell Senator Craig to stop only twice, after the third time………Blam!!! What a story. Well, it turned out to be a big story as there was an update in the Across the Nation section in January 21st edition. According to the USA Today investigators concluded “ the Deputy hung his gun by its trigger guard on a coat hanger inside the stall.” It went off when he tried to get it down. Believe it or not they are still investigating. So, that leads us to ask a few questions. We must figure out why he hung it on a coat hanger. Here are a few possibilities:
And we must ask, Did he not have a gun belt. Aren’t there more objects on the gun belt other than his gun? What did he do with the flashlight, keys, mace, pepper spray, handcuffs, baton, walkie talkie and there are more than likely a few more I am missing. Where were these items while his pants were or were not down around his ankles while he attended to his business, although we are not given the information as what he was doing in the stall. Was he going number one, number two, number one and number two or was he attending to another natural matter that required the solitude of the bathroom stall. Finally, if it is not illegal in South Dakota to discharge a firearm in the sity limits without some element of intent to do some kind of harm, this will open the door for folks to bring back the time honored tradition of firing guns in the air in celebration at sporting events and political victories……..So hopefully, we can all be in North Dakota in November of 2008 to fire our gins in the air when we get a new El Presidente……Vamanos a Dakota Norte! And as they are still looking into the situation, there is bound to be more. To come. 01-21-2008 Is there a better vigilante/hitman than Charles Bronson? I am watching the Mechainc where he trains a young Jan Michael Vincent to be a ruthless hit man. Death Wish is even better. Bronson has about twenty lines in the movie and fires off more bullets than words. He is a one man machine of Justice. Bronson is the Aardvark of hit men(remember the blue cartoon aardvark that was always after the ant. The blue aardvark was voiced by Jackie Mason... this makes Bronson the Jackie Mason of killers in a way). Most will remember jackie Mason from Caddyshack II or from the gas station owner in "The Jerk Bronson typifies the old school movie hero who was cast not becaue they were good actors, but because they were just who they were. They were their own personality much like Chirstopher Walken is today. When they are cast in a role they really play themselves. So back to Bronson, if he was really just playing himself what did he do on his time off? When he wasn't making a movies was he............A One man Army? Also in a side note, in "the Mechanic", Bronson goes to sleep every night with sleeping pills and dressed in a bright red pair of jammies....with matching red robe........So if Bronson was really just playing himself you must ask the question.... Does he wear his own sleep wear in the movies? So what have we theorized? Bronson plays himself, Bronson is a killer Bronson takes the time to put on jammies before bed...after killing......of course
The Norman Transcript is the local newspaper. Local news is far superior to national news as you find out what is actually going on around you in your own town. Local weather, local sports, local event and local police reports. Thursday, January 10, 2008 I usually go straight to the USA Today "Across the USA" section where there is a small paragraph for each state. For me its the best part and the only part of the paper worth reading. Arkansas more often than not has the best blurb in the section but after the OU West Virgina game, a game whose my motto is "The Game is Over: Lets focus on next year 14-0 and defeat Florida in the BCS Championship game, I decided to look at teh WEst Virginia paragraph. According to the Jan 7, 08 USA Today Across the Nation, in West Virginia "Oral health is a major problem in the state and the legislature has suggested banning soft drinks and sugary drinks from all WVa Schools. So, here is the joke: "What;s wrong with Coke/ Snickers Goulash marinated in Maple syrup." And in according to the USA Today Across the Nation,Colorado," a guy impersonating a Park Ranger has been giving tours of the park." They found the guy and banned him from the park. My Comment: Well, they should have let him stay as that guy was saving them money, no salary, no pension, no heath plan.....that guy I would think would be a plus....and he is so enthusiastic that he does it all for free....even buying his own uniform. Hosty and I am 10-8 Thursday, September 27, 2007 Robots......... In the USA Today, a report from Mississippi 9-24-07, teens dropped off at a Chuck E. Cheese a family joint "known for its singing and dancing animtronic animals" got into a melee that cops had to bust up as the teens were "out of Control." Tuesday, September 18, 2007 The Snake Lady. The sign said "Snake Lady: Head of a beautiful woman and the body of a hideous snake. No arms or legs." The picture over the tent showed the image of a woman's torso melding into the body of a giant Cobra. For 50 Cents this seemed like some real entertainment, and she was supposed to "answer all of your questions. I paid my 50 cents or would that be my two bits, and walked through the tent to the simulated snake pit where the mysterious snake lady was to be lurking. I went over to cage thinking this is probably some poor lady with no arms or legs painted like a snake smoking a cigarette and reading a book but as I peered into the cage and I burst out laughing. First there was a female head poking out of the top of a mirrored rectangle. Attached to the back of her head was a stuffed leather snake body that curled around her head. She was also wearing sunglasses and listening to music or a book on tape perhaps with a pair of headphones. So basically there was a woman, sticking her head out of a box. Around the mirrored box was a pile of straw to give the illusion that any normal human could not tell that there was a lady sticking her head out of a box. My friend next to me said, What the hell!' Obviously an expression directed at the complete bullshitting that was going on. Just a side note, there was a Carnival Worker or Carney standing next to the box and whispering sweet nothings to the "head". So let me add to my list of "Shittiest Jobs on the World" the poor gal who sits with her head out of a mirrored box all day who folks pay 50 whole cents to see as "the snake lady." To that I say Touche and ah I done got bullshitted. You got me this time Snake Lady……but then I paid another 50 cents to see the worlds smallest horse, which was really just a baby Shetland Pony………..And do you know who was probably behind it all…….the Snake Lady……..I just guessn. Monday, September 10, 2007 Who Da Ho? Everyone has heard already about the US Senator Larry Craig who was arrested in a Minneapolis Airport restroom for allegedly soliciting an undercover policeman in an attempt to "perform lewd acts." The Senator pleaded guilty to charges levied against him and vowed to resign from the US Senate. He has since declared he may not resign from the Senate and also may try and fight the conviction. So that leads us to all the jokes about Larry Craig. Everyone from stand up comedians to late night hosts have weighed in on the situation. So, here is mine: (Note: You may rearrange the joke to suit.) Senator Larry Craig pleaded guilty to charges related to his activity in a Minneapolis Airport bathroom stall. When the judge handed down the sentence, he asked Mr. Craig, " Mr. Craig do you understand the charges and how do you plea?"
The Lake Tenkiller Monster Everyone has heard of the Loch Ness monster, the mysterious plesiosaur that lives in the Scottish lake. There is even Champ, the mythical creature who resides under the waters of Lake Champlain near Vermont. Apparently, the plesiosaur is the only creature to survive from the Mesozoic or Jurassic to the present day. And these thins are huge tourist attractions ringing in millions to their respected areas. Even in Roswell, New Mexico, the unexplainable UFO crash has turned the town into a tourist destination, and even a theme park is in the works. Its time for Oklahoma to get on the bandwagon. With the Sam Noble Museum of Natural History unveiling of the ancient creatures of Oklahoma, who is on display? Well, there is a camel and a plesiosaur. Who is to say that the remnants of the plesiosaur have lived on to this day? This is where Tenkie the Lake Ten killer Plesiosaur comes in. Anybody who lives in Park Hill, Vian, Gore, even Sallisaw has to have a sighting this summer of the mythical beast. Number one the lake is at its highest level in a couple years, which is perfect for plesiosaurs. There will be boat tours, souvenirs, respected paleontologist from OU coming to study and we may even get a Saturday afternoon TV show narrated by Leonard Nimov in his "Mysterious Places" series. Hopefully right after the Atlantis episode with the glowing beacon that zaps all the ships, which is located underneath, THE DEVILD TRIANGLE. I envision Gann Matthews from Newsline 9, who incidentally always gets the worst assignments. The chief of the newsroom usually sends him on all the wild goose chases and snipe hunts in the area. Television coverage will give validity to the legend of Tenkie. Then someone has to claim that a dog bite was actually a bite from the reclusive monster, even though h its from a drunk pit bull. Even better would be a testimonial from a boater that would go like this: So lets get on it Oklahoma. What 100-year anniversary is complete without the discovery of a new mythical creature of the lake? The new medical buzzword is "restrictive caloric intact". It is attributed to the extending of life……..Tenkie is millions of years old. If Vermont can have a Plesiosaur so can Oklahoma.
As a kid, I was a huge basketball fan cemented by Kurtis Blow's "basketball" song that mentioned all the players Iwas enthralled with at the time. The Bucks are my team, GO Bucks. Thier mascot is Bango, A Deer in a NBA uniform and has been on the scene for 24 years plus. There is a buck on the uniformand that give the Bucks Mascot to team uniformity and gold star in my book, more on my book later....Recently the playoffs got me thinking of Basketball and team names. More importantly the mascot's connection with the team. I will explore each mascot and thier connection to the team. Why? My child is finally sleeping at night, and I have alot of time on my hands Recently the Spurs, the inatimate objcts, beat the Jazz, the incomprehsible idea. The Jazz is a hard enough a team to find a mascot for. I would suggest a mascot that looks like a rubber band ball/ Jackson Pollack painting called, MezzRole." Now the Bucks, are form Milwaukee and are named after Bucks or deer, a real animal. As for other NBA teams it seems as if there is a trend of teams adopting names that aren't animals or mascot friendly. Teams even have to invent animal mascots to go with thier names. For example, the Spurs. The team is named after an inanimate object but portrayed by only one Spur. This team name may have given thefront office a delima as to what lovable mascot could be made out of a pair of Spurs. Maybe a bloody pair of Spursthey may have thought. Instead they have come up with some horse like creature or so I thought as he is actually a Coyote......hmmmmm....where is the conection. The Spurs are to Coyote as............ This is actually on thier site, I did not make that up. Thescary thing is his scientific name "Entertanius Carnivorus" which is more than likely a warning to parents at basketball gaems to keep the kids away from the mascot as he may eat them. I will give him some respect for liking Los Lobos but quickly must recant for his love of the FOX news network. What's with eating Lassie? I am sure that one goes over with the kids real good. I can hear it now "Hey kids, Coyote wants to eat your pet, Oh Stop crying...........OK Really Stop crying.........OK I'm sorry........" Now the Spurs are set to play the Cavaliers, which is basically a pirate and maybe karmicly connected to the sucess of Pirates of the Gulf of Mexico Part III. I will have to go with the Cavs, as thier mascot is a pirate and has more to do with the team. You would think thier mascot is a Cavailer but no its MOONDOG. MOONDOG is the Cleveland mascot. Apparently, it has something to do with the rock and roll hall of fame and folks who would listen to the radio show of Alan Freid who called his listeners "Moondogs." So it should be in the NBA Finals "Coyote vs Moondog". The only connection I could find in this whole search is that both mascots has a distaste for former Utah Jazz power forward Karl "the Mailman" Malone. What is the mailmans crime that he is despised by the two mascots in the NBA Final? Finally,If someone can explain the connction of the coyote and the Spurs let know?
Fight Songs 06-11-07 Watching the local news, OU President David Boren was shown singing the OU fight song after obtaining a grant from a donor to the University. He cheerfully led the song for the students who for the most part looked confused. President Boren has made it a point during his tenure at OU to revitalize the Spirit of the University in so far as bringing out all the fight songs that I believe he found in an earthen vessel underneath the Student Union during a renovation. I think they are written on papyrus. Anyway, it got me thinking about fight songs. Now most college fight songs were written in the early part of the 20th century or in the 1800's as the school we founded. Each song is arousing, proud song about the Univeristy extolling the virtues of the institution and proclaiming Victory over their opponents. It is my felling that they need to update the fight song for the modern times. Maybe put in how the University is going to utterly destroy their opponent. Now still set it to a March but include distorted guitars: And so on. The song should get more graphic towards the end and include drinking beer out the skulls of the vanquished. It should get so graphic the other team might have the following conversation. So lets update the songs. Pride in your school is good but you need something put you over the top like scaring the living hell out of your opponent. Rah Rah Rah!!!!!1
Ringtones For Everything June 2007 Recently my site had been hacked and someone began sending out emails about ringtones and voting for Barark or Hillary in 08. I am selling niether but would like to "Chime" in on Ringtones. (That was a very clever seugeway). You can order music ringtones for the cell phone fo just about any popular artist. And for those not willing to pay the premium for a Nelly Ringtone there are generic digtal music ringtones such as the Salsa Drum Button from a Casio keyboard or the classic telephone bell ring. So in the future, when all music is made by robots, ringtones make make robos out of us. I yield the balance of my time to another Blog,
Cabin Fever 02-22-07
The bitter cold of January dumped ice, snow and freezing rain-bringing Oklahoma to a stand still. Electric lines came down; folks were stranded and seemed everything was closed. The roads were closed so the van stayed home. I was supposed to roll out to Fort Smith, Arkansas; instead it was some time at home waiting for the sun to melt the snow. Day One: As the snow fell and the roads iced, my family and I watched channel 9, which is really on channel 10 for the school closings. We weren’t going anywhere. So we watched some TV, made some popcorn, played some board games and did circles around the house like a caged animal in the Little River Zoo.
Day Three: We weren’t going anywhere. So we watched some TV, made some popcorn, played some board games and did circles around the house like an animal in the Little River Zoo. Did you hear me? We weren’t going anywhere. So we watched some TV, made some popcorn, played some board games and did circles around the house like an animal in the Little River Zoo. Day Four: I got Cabin Fever, as we weren’t going anywhere. So we watched some TV, made some popcorn, played some board games and did circles around the house like an animal in the Little River Zoo. Cabin Fever. WE were all getting on each other’s nerves. We had to get out. Where is the sun? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……. 01-14-2007 I have always wanted the host of the Golden Globes to stand up front with a row of awards and say,” Alright lets get this thing moving along, Pitt come get your award,here ya go Nicholson, lets hurry this along, who is next? Lets keep the line moving.Hanks Hurry Up. Lets move it people there is wine to drink and coke to do. And ther will be a rehab sign up sheet if anyone gets caught.”
Snow Day Closings 01-31-07 On the free tv channels they list all school and closings in the area when bad weather hits. And in Oklahoma they list everything...and I mean everything. Here is a sample of some real closings “Living the Dream” 02-13-07 I asked some random folks how they were doing and I got, with a smile of affirmation,“Living the dream” as a response. What does that mean? If I was “Living the Dream” I have where three little furry rats with crab claws try and track me down to have me try on a stove pie hat they made for me out of scrap sheet metal, I think I would be manic and about to loose my mind. Either that or my pants would be constantly wet. Taser, Taser, Taser!!!!! 01-30-2007 After the last bellow from the bar keep, “Get the Hell out of Here!” and before the clock strikes two stragglers begrudginly slam the last slurp of warmed beer or drink and tumble out into the cold leaving the bar staff and band to pick up the pieces of the night and to decompress. Talk of the drunkest guy in the bar, the potential fights and most of all good time had is batted around the room while everything is packed and cleaned. But sometimes there is a challenge. Rose State College Cafeteria 01-24-07 We got booked to play the Raider’s Day in the Rose state College cafeteria for 400 bucks and tow meal tickets good at the Cafeteria for either a hot dog or a pulled pork sandwich and a piece of strawberry pie. Here is a joke i told that fateful day:“I am teaching a class on the history of the kazoo from 1945 to the present day. It is a survey course. Also a class on yiddish, please enjoy the nosh. Tough cafeteria. we have played tougher. Furrs...no that is a tough one indeed.” Homeland 01-17-07 I love the Homeland. Yes comrades, the Homeland on Main Street in Norman Oklahoma, one of the last competitors still standing against mighty Wal Mart. A true David in the the supermarket battle. I go there for I fear that it is on its last legs in the battle against Albertson’s and Wal Mart. Shopping there is as if you had entered a David Lynch movie where all the locals you have seen in town but have never known thier name shop. I Called it!!! 02-08-07
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